Confessions Of a BackPacker - I'm Just Trying To Get In Your Pants

First of all, apologies to my dearest mother. Probably not the most appropriate title considering the season. But stay with me. Now that I have your attention...let me explain.

Second, to my new friends from The Lazy Falken, although I doubt any will read this, those of you who do accidentely find themselves reading these words, a few clarifications are needed. I hope as you read, things will make sense and come together for you. Curtis and I had a blast with you and I have to say, thus far on our trip, the Lazy Falken was one of our most favorite stops. We had a great time in our short two days there hanging out with you, eating, wandering aimlessly, trying to find the cheapest food possible without causing indigestion, sledding, drinking some beers, playing caps, and just being together. But now you are being invited into a whole other depth of our person....one you may not have picked up during our short time in Interlaken.....so hold on.....and enjoy the ride.


Third, to my new friends in Bern, Switzerland. (Insert, deep exhale here), how do I express in a short few sentences the gratitude and love I have for you. You taught me many things and blessed me in ways you don't even know about. I had no idea you could connect on such a deep level in such a short time. It blew me away.....we honestly love you very much and wish we could have spent more time with you. Although if I ate anymore chocolate or cheese, I would have turned into a human fondue myself. I am learning one secret - it doesn't matter where you go or what country you find yourself in, when you have Christ at the center of your life, relationships flow naturally and gel rapidly together. That is what he brings in and through us. Now, I am learning and living, that this is a reoccuring theme. Funny, before we left, Curtis had Switzerland on his heart, now we know why.


Lastly, to my most dear friends back in Canada. I truly miss you and cherish you, especially during this important season. I miss the beers in the Rambler room, watching hockey, drinking too much coffee, laps, beating B-rad and Mins in playstation, and making fun of Dick. I think about eating turkey with my family and just reconnecting with them. Skyping Mom and Dad, Brett and Amanda, Jeff and Natalie, Tristyn, Nate and Isabella was a most cherished blessing to me out here on the road. My thoughts and heart are with you always.

Finally, back to my provocative title. Although this trip is intended to learn, laugh and love with others - to meet and enjoy people - to grasp new cultures and build new relationships, it also has some substance behind it. We want to serve our creator king - Christ Jesus. Be faithful to him. Listen to him in the stillness of the day and find his direction as we travel along his world. We have found that every person we have met, has not been by some sort of fluke or chance, but rather part of a bigger plan. And that has been so cool for us. (Just ask me about the story of finding Marius in Bern). We do not have any sort of hidden agenda or plan, but rather, simply, want to leave the world a little bit better off than it was when we first arrived. We hope our friends and hosts have found that to be so.

OK, now finally, to my ridiculous title.....lol. I think Christians, maybe you have found this too, can all too often try to shove Christ down peoples' throats. All to often beat you over the head with the Bible. Make you believe what we believe. Act without love, without gentleness and without truth. The apostle Paul suggests that we can sound like a huge, loud, annoying gong. GONG GONG GONG GONG!! Just typing it makes me cringe. I think this can happen all to easily on trips abroad, like ours - especially missions. We want to get in and get out. Affect people instantly, get results, have success, and then leave. So we can look at our chart of results and feel good about ourselves. I've heard people say before that they can believe in Christ, they like what they see in him....but it is his followers that stems their unbelief. This saddens me....and forgive me if I ever have caused such feelings......because I know for many....this rings true.

And thus, forgive me father, we are "just trying to get in your pants." We don't want to get to know you. We don't want to spend time with you. We don't want to hear your stories. We don't want to hear about your scars. We don't want to hear about how Christians have burned you in the past. We don't want an explanation of why you don't believe and the substantial (it has to be for someone not to believe and thus live a whole life committed NOT to believe) evidence backing your unbelief. We just want to use you. We want to add a knotch to our belt. Add you to the list. Convert, convert, convert. Then we feel successful, then we feel rewarded, then we feel like we've "succeeded." We've accomplished our goal!! We have just got into your pants....and now its time to move on, leave you and find the next. It's terrible. Disgusting. Perverted. And wrong. I am sorry. Please forgive us. For we don't know what we do.

But I am learning that these things take time. The people in Rwanda, Interlaken and Bern are teaching me. God is stirring my heart. I find with our North American concept of success and progress we always want to be the harvester. Reap the benefits. Get the glory and the honor. But for me, on this trip, in Africa and Europe, I am finding we are doing the opposite - we are planting seeds. Here and there, everywhere we go, we are flinging seed everywhere, and hoping and praying that it finds fertile soil. To trust that God will take those seeds and cause them to grow. And that, my friends, takes time. Both to sow and of course to grow. It is not an instantaneous process. And the crappy part about it is, often you can't watch it grow, you can't see it, you can't gage the 'progress.' You must trust, as the Bible suggests, that while you are away or sleeping - GOD causes it to grow. And the real crappy part about it is that someone ELSE might harvest it and reap the benefits of YOUR effort. You may not even SEE it. It is beautiful.

What I learned at the Lazy Falken was this...I am still human and often suck at doing life and showing my true colors. That I love people....to meet them, to get to know them, to hear their stories, but also that relationships take time - to get into the grit and substance of their everyday life. So I hope we do stay connected- I want to hear those stories. They are important....for they are yours. You taught me much and I hope I taught you at least something. I know we met for a reason......we are now going to Hong Kong for goodness sake!!!!! What are the chances we happen to have a layover in Hong Kong and meet Chris and Thomas who live in Hong Kong....in Switzerland of all places. Pretty cool. We do not want to fly in and out of peoples lives on this trip, but rather, create relationships that last, that have substance. That seeds are planted that will grow and flourish. And that doesn't come with a one-time smack over the head with a Bible, but rather with steady and subtle love. Flying in and out of people lives without having enough time to listen and dig deeper is simple bogus. People are worth more than that. I hope we never do this and forgive us if we do.

Also, from my friends in Bern. You have affected me deeply. You've affected our trip deeply (we stayed for 1 week longer than we thought we would!!!!). You have just proved my point!!!! You have taught and blessed me so much!! Relationships take time. They take work. They take trust. Not to say we can't affect someone instantly or the Spirit can't do a miraculous work in an instant, he can and does, but most often this Christian life and walk takes time, effort. And to be honest, that way, relationships have more depth. Which is what I found in Bern. People have come into my life, accepted me, invited me into their lives and homes, and thus have challenged me, taught me and affected me deeply. All things I'm not so sure would have happened over the course of a couple of hours or a moment. Things like Cheese fondue, Rokalet, worship times, jogging together, Sunday brunch, deep convos, crazy train rides with weird old men, 287 different flavours of yogurt, youth group Spitzbuben night, good red wine, and sooooooo much more. Worth every second.


And so a trip like this almost sounds contradictory.....we don't have enough time to get to know people....to have such rich relationships. Yet I believe the relationships I've come to enjoy and soak in will continue on until the day I die. They are the same relatoinships I talked of before I left. They are seeds being planted. So my message or thought for today is for different groups I guess. The diverse group of people who do call themselves my friends and who do wander there way into these words. My fellow backpackers in Interlaken, my dear friends in Bern and to my fellow listeners back home. Unbelievers and believers. As much as this trip is about a purpose, or meaning, or even mission field if you will, it is more a learning ground, a blessing, a realization that our greatest influence and chance to better the world is with the people we rub shoulders with everyday. The people we take the chance and time to 'get to know.' The people we take the time to dive into.....to embrace.....not just to get into your....well you know the rest. Its our friends on the road, our family, our friends at home, our fellow workers......we need to love them and cherish them with all you got. Always sowing what we can, watering and weeding with the Lord as we go. You don't have to travel the world to do this. In fact, at home is where your true colors shine brightest. No matter where you are - you are there. Forever influencing. Forever living. In the end, you decide how you will leave the world.


So I hope during your time over the Christmas holidays you have time to reflect and celebrate. That you spread seeds like crazy and take the time to water and weed them. May your time, no matter where you are, is as rich and delicious as Swiss chocolate itself.

Red Light.....Green Light

Direction. That word could probably sum up my last couple of weeks. Africa, London, Durham, Amsterdam and now Paris. Yesterday Curtis and I were standing around Amsterdam looking at each other, when we blurted out, "Wanna go to Paris!" It was priceless and pretty well sums up our trip thus far. Either that or one of my favorite two word phrases - gong show. Brittany, if you are listening, we could sure use your organizational skills!!!! Flying by the seat of your pants is fun......but we give that term a whole new meaning. If you could see us last night wandering the streets of Paris at 2:30am looking for a hostel - you'd understand perfectly....lol. But seriously it has been priceless (well, except when considering the Euros I've dished out so far, its been very priceFULL), just flying by the seat of our pants, not having anywhere to be or go, or answer to, just sort of be.


I must admit I can't blog about each of our experiences, they are simply too many - Pints and Pinters in Durham, Evensong and morning prayer in the Cathedral of St. Cuthbert, smores with the Millers (sorry Meghan), sitting in on a John Barclay class on Paul and Augustine, an English breakfast in downtown London, riding a ferry from the UK to Amsterdam, the canals of Amsterdam, walking around the Red Light District, talking with prostitutes, cheering up the ladies in a cheese shop in Holland, and now figuring out how to order a pizza in France without having the slightest clue what the heck will be on it (yesterday I ordered a Mediterranean pizza expecting a veggie dish and it was covered in fish!!!, but alas it was delicious - gotta love the French). I could easily blog a whole entry about any one of these experiences - I've cherished each one.


Yet I promised I would discuss one thing - direction. I find it fitting considering my circumstances. I've had a hard time transitioning back to "reality" here in the "real world." The hustle and bustle is hard to get used to after the red dirt of Africa. It's just so different I guess. It's been hard to know, on our tour, how to serve, how to love, how to follow Christ intimately in such a busy world - one that seems to ignore Him altogether. I must say, it was easier being a Christian - or at least feeling like one - in Africa. Here, in the progressive, modern world, I've found it much harder. Much more difficult to find my "direction."


Curtis and I often pray, talk about and research where we should go next. We call people, look for open doors and try to look for another when one is shut. And to be honest, its been hard. Often times we have been discouraged. We've seen a few contacts slip through the cracks recently and have felt like we weren't "doing" enough or "serving" enough and can feel insufficient. We have been lost, with no direction.


At the same time, as I'm trying to figure out my own life and calling. Whether it be farming, teaching, pastoring or writing, getting more education or just settling down, I again find myself lost. Maybe its my indecisiveness, lol, I didn't need to go on a trip like this to know that about myself. Let me tell you with Curtis along, it only gets worse!!!! Insert Brittany here again. But I sort of came to a subtle realization the other day as I was writing in my journal. Often, I think, we've been so concerned with trying to serve God, help people that we've sort of missed the point. We've been spinning around upside-down, not knowing where or who or what to do next. In the midst of looking for all of this life-giving opportunities, we have missed life itself. Just enjoying life and the beauty God has made us to be. Instead of being confident in who God made us to be and trusting that Christ IS and ALWAYS working through us - we try to do it all on our own. It's tiring and often depressing when we don't live up to our own "standards of success." I think it can be very similiar in our own personal lives.


Now, I'm realizing, that God is with us no matter where we go. His presence always exudes from us, because that is his temple, inside us - HE is the hope of glory - not us. His light shines through our cracks no matter what continent we are on. And it will always look different with different people, diferent cultures and different history. Now instead of dreading our next chapter of our trip and trying not to "plan" to much, we are excited and expectant to enjoy life and trust that God will be there when we get there, wherever that might be.


I think subconsciously we've compared our trip to that of Dan, Kenton and Jordans and even my month in Africa. They had an awesome trip and I've always told them how much that inspired me and how I look up to them. But, Curtis and I are learning that we are built different than those boys. We're in a different culture than Africa. We are built different, live different and will love and serve different. It's been hard, but when I realized this, I had a peace about it. All that matters is that we are willing, that we keep Christ at the center, and then the people/opportunites/connections will come. I wrote in my journal - we need to be less like Martha and more like Mary (I hope I got that right.) And so we're planning the rest out today with some - new direction. So we are going to enjoy Europe, take in the sights, enjoy life and at the same time pray, seek and ask that God would push us and steer us into people and towns as we stumble along.


Maybe you feel lost in life. Confused. Not sure how to live. Maybe you can relate - you feel like you're not doing enough. Your a failure as a Christian. I think we need to stop worrying so much about the hows, wheres, whens, and whats and just be. Keep Christ close to your hearts, subtlely follow Him, be willing, pray and seek - and the rest he'll faithfully fill in. I look at my life 10 years ago and when I realize that - I can vividly see - he is walking with me, he is pushing and guiding me along - even if I don't see it day by day. Know, that He is with you, always. When you put your trust and faith in Him, there is no where you can go where you can get lost. Stop worrying about trying to be in God's will and messing that up, but rather enjoy life, every second as it comes to you and realize no matter what you do, if you are seeking and holding Christ at the center, he will be with you and bless you. So make your "plans" as we are, and watch and find indeed, he will "direct" your path. Can't wait to see what's next.

Camp Gahini

Greetings to my Facebook faithful!!!! Apologies for my absence, but it is near impossible to get on the internet consistently here in Rwanda!!! I will try the best I can.


My thoughts, when I can get at them, will have to be shorter - like myself. So bear with me.


Africa is already changing my life. It is very difficult to narrow myself down to one "topic" or "issue" or "experience" while being here. So much is different. So much is happening. I am changing. The kids we meet are changing. God has been soooo good and faithful to us.


I will begin with an update I suppose. I am on a team of 11 people here in Rwanda, Africa and we are running 4 separate, 4 day camps in the month of November. Each week, we get a separate group of kids, all from different villages. Each camp, another 100 smiling, energetic faces show up to learn, live and enjoy life with us. It is awesome.


I suppose the first thing that sticks out in my brain is the simplicity of things here. This is really magnified when we play games with the kids. You wanna here the list? Ok. Musical chairs, dodgeball, frisbee, Simon says, what time is it Mr. Wolf. Shall I go on? Most of these kids are teenagers and they have an absolute BLAST when we play these games. I couldn't even imagine trying these games for Moose Lake in Canada. There is seriously an all out RIOT everytime we play musical chairs - with the winner always being hosted above their respective teams heads, carried across the room amidst cheering and chanting their teams name in victory. Simply stunning. The joy on their faces humbles me each day.


Joy. That is the next thing I'm learning. I realize that many of these kids probably come from hard places. Tough homes and at times, tough living conditions. And in Rwanda, everybody, no matter who you are, or where you live, continues to live with some sort of pain and scar from the genocide here in 94. Yet amidst these conditions, when I watch these kids worship their God - well, I am simply in awe. I realize as they sing, that nothing, absolutely nothing can take away their hope and their joy that they find in Christ Jesus. They sing with passion. They sing with purity. They sing with everything they have. I can see it in their eyes and on their faces. That is who they live for. I must say it is miles away from what I see and live in in Canada. I realized that no matter what happens to them, what they live through - no food, no parents, murder, diseases....the list goes on and on - NOTHING, ABSOLUTELY nothing can grab or snuff that joy, that hope, that they have. It is theirs. Nothing, not even the devil himself can take that away.


Thirdly and lastly. I am seeing that we truly are planting seeds in the lives of these kids. I see hope being sown, joy being renewed, love being lived and truth being proclaimed. They trust us. They love to listen to us, play games, sing with us, and even just hold our hands (Something I'm trying to get used to, especially with males). We are making a difference. We are planting the seeds, and scipture reminds us....the Lord will faithfully water them - even while we are away.


But, like I said, they are teaching us as much as we teach them. I have seen that things here are not what I expected. It's not what you see on TV. Life here....isn't absolutely terrible. What I'm finding is that....it's different. Sometimes I think, we in the West, are all to quick to force or shove our way of life on the people over here. I'm not so sure that is the way to go about things. What they have here is special. There culture is rich. Sure, maybe a man takes all day to haul bananas on his bike to his destination, but they put a premium on family, on community, on relationships, being fair and kind. It is so refreshing. Things are slower for sure. We still haven't gotten our volleyball court done!! It takes a week just to organize a shovel or rake, let alone a load of sand!!!! So perhaps some things need changing, but not as much as we first perceive. Progress, success and pride do not have the hold it does on peoples lives in Canada. Work does not come before family. You will not find the love of money consuming people and replacing the love of God. Sure there is some here......but not the epidemic we find in North America. In so many places, they are far richer and further ahead than us.


I love my country. I already can't wait to come home and visit family and friends, talk hockey and snuff Vegas, and eat bacon and eggs and roast chicken!!!!! But they are teaching me heaps here. As it turns out, I am realizing.......I am much poorer than I think.

Speak/Listen

Twice today I was reminded of perhaps the most important thing in life.

Relationships.

For in relationships we find two things - people and love.  In fact I am not sure any of the three can even exist independently of the other.  That is how we were created.....that is what makes us whole.

More important than status.  More important than money.  More important than success.  More important than "things."

Relationships are built into our very being.  They are at the center of what makes us truly human.  What makes us "greater than the birds and creatures of the earth."  We are distinct.  Special.  Precious.  Created to enjoy each other.  To enjoy creation.  To enjoy our world......together......in harmony.   I believe true life is ignited inside each one of us as we learn to love and trust in each other.

I have a test for you today.  Have you ever looked at yourself in a mirror?  Dumb question.  But have you actually.....really looked at YOU.  Go look in the mirror.  Stare at yourself.  Don't look at your face, your lips, your eyebrows, your freckles, your zits, even your eyeball.  But look right inside of yourself.  Look directly into the very pupil of your eye.  The black.  Your soul.  See it?   That....is you.  

Weird eh?  It often freaks me out a little.  It's like I can see something eternal......something beyond just "me" as I know it.  I am more than just random molecules or matter.  There is a whole other part of myself.  Something deep down inside myself.   It's as if I can see LIFE itself - living right inside of me.  We all have it.  We all are alive.  It is our gift.  There to share with whoever we choose.

The beautiful part about it is, when we do take the chance to share it with others something profound occurs.  Relationship is born.  Trust, joy, love, experience, memory, and passion is birthed.  Our lives are elevated.  This is how it is supposed to be.  God has made us as relational beings.  We are to enjoy each other.  We are to celebrate life together.  We are to share our joys, laughter, sorrows and pains.........not alone..........but with one another.  It is magical.  God calls us his most prized possession.  His most celebrated of all creation.  We are complex, rich and invaluable in his eyes.

Without each other......I think we would cease to exist.  Life would not be....well.....life.  We need each other.  We need people to laugh with, to cry with, to run with, to joke with, to eat with......to just be with.  People, relationships, love - are more valuable than gold......more precious than silver.....more beautiful than diamonds.  Hold onto them tightly.

I realized this in two ways today.  The first came on a wave of frustration and pain.  I felt a relationship beginning to be severed......torn apart......and it hurt.  I tasted betrayal, something replaced relationship.  And then heartache ensued.  Relationships are complex, and need trust, honesty, sacrifice, communication and loyalty to survive.  They take work.  They take time.  They take patience.  They take perseverance.  It is no wonder that often when a marriage falls apart - one of these aspects is missing.  I am learning, as hard as it can be sometimes, they are worth fighting for.  I will try.

The second came as I was preparing to leave for my trip today.  3 friends came over and wanted to pray for me.  They knew they wouldn't see me for awhile, that I was excited and yet nervous.  I realized during their words how precious they were to me.  It was their presence more than there words that blessed me this evening.  They truly cared for me.  They were scared/excited/nervous with me.   And we shared that together.  A bond.  A common tie.  Life.   

I think this is why leaving is so hard.  Saying goodbye, no matter what the circumstance is, is never easy.  Anytime you share life with someone, a bond - relationship, is slowly created - as we learn to trust and love and lean on each other.  This is why funerals, after a whole life is lived and shared, are all the more difficult.  There is something about death that is not natural.  A break of this infinite connection shared together.  Someone we have let into our lives,  who's journeyed with us and shares our story.....appears to be gone.   Forever.  

 

BUT (thanks again Brian).  The Creator of our universe, of our life, of our existence, of our RELATIONSHIPS.........IS still writing this story we find ourselves in.  And it does not end there.  As important as I find my relationships on this earth....with my family, with my friends.....they pale in comparison to the one with my Creator King.  For he is the very artist behind them all.  Relationship is His - they stem from Him.  He created us as relational beings, because HE IS relational.  Relationships here on earth are but a fraction of the beauty, depth and hope found in my relationship with Him.  It is my relationship with my Creator King, my Father in heaven, that keeps me going day in and day out.  I find peace and hope that no matter what continent, country or town I find myself in....He will be there.   With me.  

And so life here on this earth begins to be less about me, less about my relationships with others.......and more about my relationship, my connection, my heart beating with Him.  He wants us to enjoy each other, yes, but above all he wants us to seek and find and enjoy Him.   When relationships fade, break or die, we can trust that His never will.  And through Him, we can have the strength to heal them, mend them and have hope to see them whole again.  Death is not the end for those who seek and find - whose hearts beat with Christ's.  This is only the beginning.  What we now know in part, we will know then, in full.

We can now live with hope and expectation.  Our relationships now become a celebration of what is to come.  Not a means to an end.  We can live with glorious expectation because we know that then, there will be no goodbyes, there will be no severing, there will be no leaving, no dying.  That is His promise.  This is where relationship with Him and with each other will finally be complete.  Relationship as it was meant to be.  

So although it saddens me to leave some of my dearest relationships behind, I have a joy that new ones will be cultivated.   Where more life will begin.  So for the next 3 days, before I leave, I want to enjoy the deep, abiding relationships God has so graciously given me here as much as I can.  I will suck them in with all I got.  I would suggest....you do the same.

Should I Stay Or Should I Go

I'm back!!!  Well....my thoughts are anyways.  I apologize to those who actually do read these, and also to myself.  I need to express myself and one of my favorite ways to do this is through writing. So having said that, I am going to write........and write more abundantly.  

I also have to apologize for being scared.  I think all of us to a certain degree are self- conscious.  We want to be accepted.  We want those around us to enjoy and understand who we really are.  And often we will sacrifice who we really are for fear of rejection.  That people won't understand or "get" us.  I am no different.  I am often scared to write, or to be myself, or to live, because, well to be honest, I am scared of what people will think of me.  Who is going to read this on Facebook?!?   Should I delete the link?!?   Should I write that?!?!?  OR should I possibly introduce people into a part of me that they may or may not know.......the real me.......and take the chance.  That is what I want.

I want myself, you, us, to be who we were created to be.....ourselves.  To be genuine, unique, creative and distinct.  To be you.  How boring would the world be if we all walked around the exact same people, like robots.  I don't want that.  I want to be me.  I want you to be you.  And so from here on out.....you'll get me, Ned, uncut...which brings me to my next thought.

I've always wanted to go around the world.  To travel.  To see different cultures.  To learn from them.....to meet people and their way of life different from ours.  But I've often been terrified what people would think of me.  That I'd just be going on some holiday, or that I'm just "running away."  Or that I should be working at a fulltime winter job -  I'm just lucky or spoiled, or weird.  In fact, ask my father, I was even too terrified to tell my Dad of my plans to delay my studies for a year at Regent and travel - it went, once again through our secret decoder - my mother.  Yet.....I write today because I am going.  I'm following through on a dream of mine.  One that has been planted in my heart for a long time.  And so.......  

Around the world.  That is my plan for the upcoming winter.  I am stoked.  I fly out to Africa November 2nd, then to London, out of Turkey to India, to Thailand, Vietnam, Cambodia and eventually to Australia and then back home.  Beeeeaaahhhhhh!!!   And to be honest - this is my heart on paper - "To Learn About God Through His World and To Serve His People."  Really that is my desire.

I believe through this statement I WILL experience the greatest, most exciting, most fulfilling trip I could ever imagine.  If what we say we believe as Chritians is really true - that all things visible and invisible were created by and through Christ - and devoting such a trip to the creator of the very world I am exploring.....what could be better?  I hope and expect that I will learn a lot about my Savior and inevitably, myself.  By discovering Him through his majestic world, meeting people, helping people, and ultimately loving people wherever and in whatever culture I find myself in.  

But I am terrified.  I am scared that what I pray for, what I so feebly ask for, might come true.  That the Lord would grab my heart so deeply that I would never be the same.  That he would truly wreck me and break my heart for what breaks his.  That my selfish desires that I so desperately hold onto would be cut off.  That I would find myself......changed.  I'm scared of what I'll see.  I'm scared of what I'll learn.  That I won't be able to live ignorant of my duties or responsibilities in this life, first, as a human being and secondly, a servant of Christ.

Which ultimately breeds - Failure.   That is my biggest fear.   Failure itself.  How can I live this life of servanthood and sacrifice around the world if I can't even do it at home?  I still have deep scars embedded into my person that I still trip and stumble over all the time.  I can never seem to get this Christian life figured out let alone perfected.  I was reading an article on Relevant's website about a guy who suffered a hard divorce.  He left his job and fled to Auckland.  It was here that he discovered true integrity.  He says, "When you go somewhere no one knows you, you can be anyone you want to be." And again, "It’s the age-old question of who you really are when no one is around to judge you. And, you don’t have to move across the globe to experience it. If I’ve learned one thing from my experience here, it’s that we decide anew each day who we’re going to be. We don’t just craft a well-practiced personality, good or ill, and then ride it out. It’s in the choices we make moment by moment. Will we live for God, point our actions toward integrity, or will we live for ourselves and the immediate gratification of the moment? Will we still live for Christ if there’s no one watching?"

That's what scares me.  Who am I really?  Do I really believe what I believe when no ones watching?  Will I still live with integrity then?  How can I?  I can't even do it here in Eston.....in my home town.  I already AM a failure.....maybe I shouldn't go.

BUT.......Brian Tysdal told us once in class that Christians should have "big butts."  Thanks Brian.......its true.  Although Christ asks us to "be perfect," that is NOT what he expects.  That is our goal to strive for, but not the reality he expects from us.  He asks that we would go.  That we would be willing.  That we would give him our hearts and we would follow.  Then, with Him, we will begin the lifelong winding road to "perfection."  As he grabs our hearts, bit by bit, day by day, through little choices here and there, he transforms us.   For now, I can say, looking back at my life....that he truly and honestly.....walks with me.  I am changing.  Perfect will have to wait until he comes again.

Although I must admit - I am still terrified.  I am scared of what I'll find and see.  I'm scared of who I am and who I will become.  I am scared I do not have the strength to walk out what I do find.  BUT I do have the utmost assurance that my Savior walks with me.  That his mercies in my life and in your life are NEW EVERY MORNING.  If there's one thing I've learned in this life, its when you are most vulnerable and weak that the Lord is most faithful and true.  It is in the moments when you can't lean on anything else.......when you are forced to lean only on Him that you realize it isn't by your own strength that you stand, but his.  It is not a fairytale, or crutch....but as real and raw as it gets. It is Him, who will and who has ultimately guided my life and has and will continue to heal those scars inside me.  I am confident that he will continue that and will continue to cut off those branches in my life that cause "bad fruit."  You, my friends, are no different.

And so I will go.  Although I find myself in a paradox - being totally stoked and excited to see the world, meet those God puts in my path and learn about myself, the world and Him.  I am equally as terrified to go, for I know my weaknesses, my failures and the selfish things I cling onto so tightly.  But I will go.  I do not know what to expect.  I can't see the future.  But I do have FAITH -  an expected and assured hope in the one who will be walking with me while I'm out there wandering his world.

Meet me here next week.

Ned

Food For Thought

Food.  Simply delicious.  Ya.....let's start with food.

Our bodies will not survive without food.  We need nutrients to survive.  But we are not hung out to dry.  We HAVE food.  Apples, oranges, lettuce, yogurt, milk, chicken, steak, pasta, bread, fish, shrimp, bananas, peanut butter, coffee, pies, lobster, I must stop otherwise I'll be heading upstairs again.  That is the first miracle.  We have the exact same nutrients on this earth that our body needs. Our body needs 4 food groups to function properly, our good friends Hal Johnson and Joanne McLeod remind us, and our world is perfectly set up to provide us with all four.  Simply amazing.

But it doesn't stop there.   We have taste buds!  Taste buds!!!  Bumps on my tongue that allow me to ENJOY these things.  Saliva to mix in the juices.  Teeth to break it down!  Yikes!  We begin to really, actually enjoy it - to take pleasure in it.  Mix in spices, flavors, ingredients, ovens, BBQs, marinades, sauces and you have a whole array of possibilities to feed yourself with.   And we all are different, unique.  Created differently.  We all enjoy different tastes, different foods.  But there is something each one of us enjoy and love.  Something that all we can do is just close our eyes and well......mmmm.  I can't explain it - you have to taste it to understand.  Then our tastes we have are so vast, and so diverse it would take a lifetime to taste them all.  What a gift it is!  Anyone who has eaten at the Keg or Lauren Miller's can attest to the beauty and creativity of the art of flavour (and if you haven't - you should!).  It's more than just a meal.

I'm sure God could have done it another way.  We could have taken pills everyday.  Our bodies could have been self-sustainable or something.  We could have eaten one meal a month or something.  Or food could have been like taking needles - painful, irritable and disgusting - like eating tar.   But no, we get the opportunity, the gift, the joy of stuffing ourselves with an array of exquisite tastes everyday - three times a day.  Wow.

Then relationship enters the picture.  Food brings us together.  There is a reason for the 5 course meal.  Why do you think Jesus had a last supper with his friends and reminds us to do the same.  There is something about sitting down with a group of people, spending time with each other, and just enjoying an evening of  great food and drinks together.  It's one of the greatest gifts and joys of life.  To eat, drink and be merry.  You will often find joy, fulfillment, happiness and contentment around a dinner table.  We get the opportunity to come together and take a break from "life" as we know it and really enjoy real "life" around the table.  3 times.  Everyday.

I think it hurts us, when we begin to let things steal away such an awesome gift.  Things like fast food are not only unhealthy for their calories.  TV dinners.  Meal replacements.  All are missing the point.  They are just sustaining us.  We are too busy.  Just getting it over with.  We become too busy to even eat.  During harvest, my favorite part of the day is supper.  My mother brings out this fantastic, huge, hot meal out to us.  I have cold milk, 4 vegetables (you should have tasted the corn last meal), a delicious cut of meat, dessert (although I never eat it, she always brings it), and of course tea.  Yes I realize I am spoiled...lol....I love you Mom.  But there is nothing more beautiful than sitting in the wide-open field, with fresh air, open skies, the sun setting through the dust, and eating a meal with my family.  That is life.  It sure beats a Big Mac from drive-thru.  

I think God in his foresight, in his wisdom, beauty and creativity - created us this way. Food is and was always intended to be a great blessing for us.  First, he places us on a world that gives us an unfathomable variety of food to sustain us all, then he gives us taste buds to thoroughly enjoy it and actually take pleasure in it, and lastly, he knows, when done right, meals will ultimately pull us all together.  And as it pulls us all together, it pulls us closer to him.  Being relational beings we feel most at home with other people - fully alive with each other.  Around the table is the perfect place.  The relational aspect of our characters is ignited.  We can begin to understand the relational groan he has for us from his own heart.  He said at the last supper - when you do this, remember me.  It starts to make sense.  As we realize that we are at home around a table, together, eating, drinking, talking, laughing, enjoying each other, that he is there amongst us.  May we see, enjoy and celebrate him in our lives, especially around the table, and may we never forget the one who prepared it all.

Food eh......who knew.  Great idea.

My thoughts, not yours.

Ned

Babes Of Nate

Well.....Frank.  This one goes out to you....well with a side of Greg.  I guess the main thing is...I made it.

So I was hanging out with my nephew the other day, actually a few weeks ago.  Nate Jakob.  He is a beauty.  He is changing my life.  It's weird.  It happened with my niece Tristyn too....but its happening all over again.  

The little punk is quickly stealing my heart.  When he was here, I couldn't wait to get home and chase him, pick him up, shake him upside down, play our head shaking game and tattoo his chubby little arms like his uncles (which looked wicked by the way).  He truly is contagious.  I love to hang out with him.  He's hilarious.  A true entertainer.....a true McLean at heart.  

The funny thing is I have this weird attachment to him.......or facination......or tug towards him.  It's hard to explain.  Especially considering I'm not even his parent!!!  But what I'm beginning to realize is that what I'm really discovering is agape love in its truest sense.  A deeply, rooted, selfless love.  That is the tug....the pull.  Something that goes beyond my own care and attention.  To truly and  actually love something and someone more than myself.  No strings.  Nothing expected in return.  Sure I have seen glimpses before....but its not the same.   I am, I believe, beginning to understand the father/son relationship.  Hmmm....I think the Bible uses a lot of that language.  

The love between a father and son, mother and daughter, parents and children....is deep, heavy and passionate.  Something I know one day I will experience.  Which also has humbled me now, and given me a new found respect and honour for my own parents and how they see me.  But where does it come from.  Why do we have it?  I think it stems from something even bigger than ourselves.  It is a window into the the great love relationship that governs our very universe.

Is this why the Bible and Jesus used such language?   As far as I know, God has no sex.  He (best I can do) isn't male or female.  He has no sex.  He is uncreated.   He has no body.   He is timeless.  The best way to describe him actually is how he did  - I AM.  God, the father, doesn't literally have an actual "son" - as we understand it today.   There is no "sex life" or procreation going on within the trinity.   So why the language?  Why the analogy? 

Because, what it is describing, the RELATIONAL INTIMACY between the father and son, the  love relationship within the trinity DOES exist.

It's the same deep, abiding love relationship that I experienced with my nephew.  In fact that's where it stems.  God is talking to us in language we can understand.   We can understand the life, love, relationship and personal intimacy within the trinity, between Christ, the Father and the Holy Spirit, because, as humans, we first love and understand the love between each other.  Especially between parents and children.

I'm beginning to see that none of this is a fluke.  I had often wondered why we come into the way we do.  It's so weird.   Inside a stomach?  Umbilical cord? (Ya I looked that word up.)  Why babies?  Why the development?  Why the poop?  Why the trust?  Why the learning?  Why the time?  Why not just BAM......your here......fully developed......like a Viva Beijing firework.  My sister is actually pregnant again and I caught myself staring at her.  I know that sounds weird, but I just stared at her gut.  There is a live human being INSIDE HER!  That is crazy.  Growing and forming inside her.  Its like the movie alien.  So weird.  Then after the birth, we have to spend time nurturing them, teaching them, caring for them, sharing with them and ultimately loving them.  This is, for a healthy upbringing,  the right, natural way of things.  Its no wonder or coincidence deep scars and lifelong problems are birthed here, when this process is skewed.  I think this creative process is there for a reason. 

Within this relationship we find trust, obedience, patience, perseverance, mercy, grace, joy, suffering...its all there.  It's not a fluke that we come into the world as innocent as babies.  Completely and totally dependant on the love of our parents to carry us through.  It's a glimpse into the very heart of the father, our creator.  He's teaching us about him.  About his character.  About how he sees us.  We begin to understand the concept of loving something so much we would die for it...for them.  We begin to see his love for us.   I've heard parents say this over and over again.  

This is what Nate is teaching myself.   I remember looking into Nate's eyes as I was tattooing his underarms and he looked at me with total trust.  The only reason he let me do that was because he felt safe with me.  He knew that the marker wouldn't hurt him, that I knew what I was doing.  He trusted me.  I can still see his eyes.  It clicked.  I thought to myself as I looked in his eyes.  I love you.  Of course I would never hurt you buddy.  I love ya.  In fact, I would do anything in this world to help you if you were in trouble.  I would protect you, I would fight for you.......I would die for you.

It seems to me I've heard those words before.  

John 3:16

These are my thoughts, not yours.

Ned