Should I Stay Or Should I Go

I'm back!!!  Well....my thoughts are anyways.  I apologize to those who actually do read these, and also to myself.  I need to express myself and one of my favorite ways to do this is through writing. So having said that, I am going to write........and write more abundantly.  

I also have to apologize for being scared.  I think all of us to a certain degree are self- conscious.  We want to be accepted.  We want those around us to enjoy and understand who we really are.  And often we will sacrifice who we really are for fear of rejection.  That people won't understand or "get" us.  I am no different.  I am often scared to write, or to be myself, or to live, because, well to be honest, I am scared of what people will think of me.  Who is going to read this on Facebook?!?   Should I delete the link?!?   Should I write that?!?!?  OR should I possibly introduce people into a part of me that they may or may not know.......the real me.......and take the chance.  That is what I want.

I want myself, you, us, to be who we were created to be.....ourselves.  To be genuine, unique, creative and distinct.  To be you.  How boring would the world be if we all walked around the exact same people, like robots.  I don't want that.  I want to be me.  I want you to be you.  And so from here on out.....you'll get me, Ned, uncut...which brings me to my next thought.

I've always wanted to go around the world.  To travel.  To see different cultures.  To learn from them.....to meet people and their way of life different from ours.  But I've often been terrified what people would think of me.  That I'd just be going on some holiday, or that I'm just "running away."  Or that I should be working at a fulltime winter job -  I'm just lucky or spoiled, or weird.  In fact, ask my father, I was even too terrified to tell my Dad of my plans to delay my studies for a year at Regent and travel - it went, once again through our secret decoder - my mother.  Yet.....I write today because I am going.  I'm following through on a dream of mine.  One that has been planted in my heart for a long time.  And so.......  

Around the world.  That is my plan for the upcoming winter.  I am stoked.  I fly out to Africa November 2nd, then to London, out of Turkey to India, to Thailand, Vietnam, Cambodia and eventually to Australia and then back home.  Beeeeaaahhhhhh!!!   And to be honest - this is my heart on paper - "To Learn About God Through His World and To Serve His People."  Really that is my desire.

I believe through this statement I WILL experience the greatest, most exciting, most fulfilling trip I could ever imagine.  If what we say we believe as Chritians is really true - that all things visible and invisible were created by and through Christ - and devoting such a trip to the creator of the very world I am exploring.....what could be better?  I hope and expect that I will learn a lot about my Savior and inevitably, myself.  By discovering Him through his majestic world, meeting people, helping people, and ultimately loving people wherever and in whatever culture I find myself in.  

But I am terrified.  I am scared that what I pray for, what I so feebly ask for, might come true.  That the Lord would grab my heart so deeply that I would never be the same.  That he would truly wreck me and break my heart for what breaks his.  That my selfish desires that I so desperately hold onto would be cut off.  That I would find myself......changed.  I'm scared of what I'll see.  I'm scared of what I'll learn.  That I won't be able to live ignorant of my duties or responsibilities in this life, first, as a human being and secondly, a servant of Christ.

Which ultimately breeds - Failure.   That is my biggest fear.   Failure itself.  How can I live this life of servanthood and sacrifice around the world if I can't even do it at home?  I still have deep scars embedded into my person that I still trip and stumble over all the time.  I can never seem to get this Christian life figured out let alone perfected.  I was reading an article on Relevant's website about a guy who suffered a hard divorce.  He left his job and fled to Auckland.  It was here that he discovered true integrity.  He says, "When you go somewhere no one knows you, you can be anyone you want to be." And again, "It’s the age-old question of who you really are when no one is around to judge you. And, you don’t have to move across the globe to experience it. If I’ve learned one thing from my experience here, it’s that we decide anew each day who we’re going to be. We don’t just craft a well-practiced personality, good or ill, and then ride it out. It’s in the choices we make moment by moment. Will we live for God, point our actions toward integrity, or will we live for ourselves and the immediate gratification of the moment? Will we still live for Christ if there’s no one watching?"

That's what scares me.  Who am I really?  Do I really believe what I believe when no ones watching?  Will I still live with integrity then?  How can I?  I can't even do it here in Eston.....in my home town.  I already AM a failure.....maybe I shouldn't go.

BUT.......Brian Tysdal told us once in class that Christians should have "big butts."  Thanks Brian.......its true.  Although Christ asks us to "be perfect," that is NOT what he expects.  That is our goal to strive for, but not the reality he expects from us.  He asks that we would go.  That we would be willing.  That we would give him our hearts and we would follow.  Then, with Him, we will begin the lifelong winding road to "perfection."  As he grabs our hearts, bit by bit, day by day, through little choices here and there, he transforms us.   For now, I can say, looking back at my life....that he truly and honestly.....walks with me.  I am changing.  Perfect will have to wait until he comes again.

Although I must admit - I am still terrified.  I am scared of what I'll find and see.  I'm scared of who I am and who I will become.  I am scared I do not have the strength to walk out what I do find.  BUT I do have the utmost assurance that my Savior walks with me.  That his mercies in my life and in your life are NEW EVERY MORNING.  If there's one thing I've learned in this life, its when you are most vulnerable and weak that the Lord is most faithful and true.  It is in the moments when you can't lean on anything else.......when you are forced to lean only on Him that you realize it isn't by your own strength that you stand, but his.  It is not a fairytale, or crutch....but as real and raw as it gets. It is Him, who will and who has ultimately guided my life and has and will continue to heal those scars inside me.  I am confident that he will continue that and will continue to cut off those branches in my life that cause "bad fruit."  You, my friends, are no different.

And so I will go.  Although I find myself in a paradox - being totally stoked and excited to see the world, meet those God puts in my path and learn about myself, the world and Him.  I am equally as terrified to go, for I know my weaknesses, my failures and the selfish things I cling onto so tightly.  But I will go.  I do not know what to expect.  I can't see the future.  But I do have FAITH -  an expected and assured hope in the one who will be walking with me while I'm out there wandering his world.

Meet me here next week.

Ned